My Breastfeeding Experience - Part 2

Friday, January 11, 2019

For the first part of my breastfeeding experience, please click here.


In July, when Nico was under two months, I wrote the first part of my breastfeeding struggles. I shared how my plan was always to breastfeed,  how he wouldn't latch, and how I decided to start pumping.

After that first post,  I contacted a doula/lactation consultant in Miami (@DoulaRenata if anyone is interested, she is absolutely amazing). She spent a whole afternoon with me. We talked about my birth experience, about the first few months, about the pumping, and more...all of this while trying to make him latch. We tried a nipple shield in many different ways and positions...and well,  it didn't happen. For at least another month, I continued trying...and it was fail after fail after fail.


Now, months alter, I'm able to look back and these were the problems we had:
- The hospital gave him formula right when he was born. In theory, because his sugar levels were low; but Renata was so upset about the fact that it's like nurses don't even give us the opportunity to feed them ourselves before giving them formula. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't let them take him until he latched.
- Also, at the hospital, there were always family members in the room. Even though, it is family; for something so new (that also involves taking your boobs out), I would have preferred to be alone and somehow I was afraid to speak up and request privacy.
- Nico is tongue-tied. The pediatrician said it wasn't anything major, so he didn't do anything about it. Renata said that she would have fix it as soon as he was born.
- I took too long to reach out to a specialist. Again, looking back I would have called Renata within the first week. At two months, Nico was very used to the bottle.

But I cannot live in the past thinking about the "what ifs".

So I continued pumping several times a day and as much as I could. I tried every tea, every cookie, every lactation supplement (especially the Legendairy Milk pills). I never saw a dramatic difference in my supply. I started getting more and more frustrated.

The first few months it was easy to pump since he was always sleeping.  Gabe and I are self employed but he has to leave frequently for shoots and it started getting more and more difficult to pump when I was alone and Nico demanded attention and love. All of this lead me to skip pump sessions, and we all know that milk production is a demand/supply situation, so my milk supply continued to drop (and he continued to eat more!). Yes, I shouldn't have skipped pumping sessions, but if Nico needed me in any way...he was the priority.

By the 3rd month, he was drinking 75% of my milk/25% formula.
By the 4th month, he was drinking 50/50.

Right around the 4.5 month mark, I decided to give it my all one more time. I asked my husband for his support (and extra help since Nico was extremely active). I reopened an app where you can track everything and I started logging absolutely everything in. I also increased my pumping sessions in terms of minutes and times a day.  I had OK days ( I say OK because I was still not producing enough to feed him exclusively), and some were definitely not OK.

I really gave it my all, but this "last try" made me notice I was not enjoying my baby because I was glued to a machine several hours per day- and it didn't even really worked because I still had to supplement with formula.

I really wanted to experience breastfeeding.  I really wanted to have that connection with my baby. I really disliked the pump. I really felt like I wasn't enjoying my baby to the fullest.

I decided to slowly stop pumping at 5 months. I was scared of mastitis since I got a few clogged ducts throughout those 5 months that hurt like CRAY.  I'm not going to lie, I cried SEVERAL times feeling like I was failing him.

Then, I had a moment of clarity:
- I'm proud of myself for pumping for over 5 months, for giving him the best nutrients all that time.
- I felt FREE. I finally had time to play with Nico without looking at the clock and thinking when to pump. I finally could visit my friends without carrying a pump around.  I finally could plan things without doing it around the pump schedule.
- And most importantly, I realized that my baby LOVES me- that he is absolute mama's boy and it has absolutely nothing to do with having a boob in between us. He loves me FOR ME, not because I'm a food source...he just LOVES me. He needed a happy mom more than anything.

I still wish I would have breastfed him, but I know, deeply in my heart, that there is nothing stronger than the connection we have. 





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Para leer la primera parte de este artículo, haz click aquí.

En julio, cuando Nico tenía menos de dos meses, les escribí la primera parte de mi experiencia dando pecho (o "no dando pecho" mejor dicho). Les conté como mi plan siempre fue darle pecho, como nunca se me pegó, y como decidí usar el extractor.

Después de ese primer post, contacté a una dula/especialista en lactancia en Miami (su nombre es @DoulaRenata por si les interesa, es INCREIBLE). Ella pasó toda la tarde conmigo. Estuvimos hablando sobre como fue mi parto, como nos había ido esos dos primeros meses, como me iba con el extractor (básicamente todo lo que les he contado). Todo esto mientras intentábamos que se me pegara, cosa que no pasó.  También intentamos una pezonera.  Me dijo que siguiera intentando, que lo convirtiera en un juego...eso hice, pero todos fueron "solo intentos".

Ahora que me puedo sentar y analizar un poco todo, siento que estos fueron los problemas que tuvimos:
- Según el hospital nació con los niveles de azúcar bajos, por eso le dieron fórmula casi instantáneamente. Renata dice que escucha esto mucho, y que le parece muy injusto porque deberían dejar al bebe´más tiempo con la mamá en vez de darle el biberón tan rápido.
- En el hospital siempre había familia en el cuarto. Aunque sí, son familia, cuando es algo nuevo (que aparte requiere andar semi desnuda), hubiese preferido estar sola. Y mi error fue no pedir algo de privacidad.
- Nico tiene un pequeño frenillo. Según el pediatra, no era necesario arreglar ese detallito. Según Renata, ¡SI!. Eso hubiese ayudado mucho con el tema de la lactancia.
- Me tardé mucho en pedir ayuda. Debí haber llamado a una especialista mucho antes. A los dos meses, ya Nico estaba acostumbrado a tomar del biberón.

Pero no se puede vivir pensando en "que hubiese pasado si...".

Por eso seguí usando el extractor lo más que pudiese. También probé todo té, cada galleta, cada recomendación que me dieron para subir la producción. Honestamente nunca ví un cambio dramático...y todo esto me llevaba a un estado de frustración.

Los primero meses eran sencillo sacarme la leche mientras el dormía (por que era lo único que hacía).  Mi esposo y yo trabajamos desde casa pero el tiene que salir mucho a las sesiones de fotos. Por esto se me empezó a hacer más difícil usar el extractor con tanta frecuencia. Si Nico me necesitaba, me necesitaba. Y no iba a dejarlo llorando por sacarme leche. Por supuesto, como sabemos, el tema de la leche es a demanda- y  por supuesto, mi producción comenzó a bajar.

Antes del mes, Nico estaba tomando 100% mi leche.
A los 3 meses, el estaba tomando 75% de mi leche/ 25% formula.
A los 4 meses, estábamos mas o menos en 50/50.

A los 4 meses y medio, decidí intentar una vez más CON TODAS LAS GANAS. Le pedí ayuda a mi esposo para que él atendiese a Nico mientras yo intentaba con todo. Volví a abrir una aplicación donde puedes monitorear todo. Escribía cuantas veces, cuanta leche salió, etc. Tuve días mas o menos y días no tan buenos.

Pero este último intento me hizo darme cuenta que no estaba disfrutando a mi bebé por estar conectada a una máquina tanta horas al día. Y al final, ni funcionó porque no me salía suficiente.

De todo corazón, yo quería darle pecho. Quería esa conexión de la que tanto hablan. 
De todo corazón, odiaba el extractor. Me dolía pensar que Nico me necesitaba y yo no estaba para él.

Así que con el corazón roto, decidí dejar de sacarme leche ...poco a poco por miedo a la mastitis. Tuve varios ductos tapados durante esos 5+ meses y dolieron demasiado como para arriesgarme a algo peor. Lloré tantas veces...le lloraba a Nico pidiéndole perdón. Le hablaba y le pedía que me disculpara porque esto "no funcionó".

Luego tuve un momento de claridad:
- Estoy orgullosa de mí misma por haber usado el extractor por más de 5 meses; por darle lo más que pudiese de mi leche.
- Me sentí LIBRE. Libre de poder jugar con Nico sin mirar al reloj- libre de rezarle a todos los santos mientras me sacaba leche para que el no se despertara. Libre de poder hacer planes en familia sin tener que llevarme la máquina o sin planear que fuese solo en ciertas horas.
- Pero lo más importante es que me dí cuenta que mi bebé me AMA A MI- que no tiene nada que ver con tener una teta de por medio. Mi bebé me ama por ese amor que nos tenemos, y no porque me ve como una fuente de comida.  Nico necesitaba a una mamá feliz, una mamá que jugara con él, que lo abrazara... y eso es más importante que la leche. Así de simple.

Claro que me hubiese gustado poder darle pecho, pero si hay algo que estoy segura es de esta conexión tan hermosa que tenemos- y eso no lo cambio por nada.





7 comments

  1. As I was reading this, I was able to see myself a year ago in your frustration. I’m a former NICU mom and I couldn’t breastfeed my baby for the first three months as he was so tiny (1lb 15oz/ 13 inches). He then went through 2 GI surgeries, a laser eyes surgery and in the meantime I was constantly pumping every 3 hours even though he was not able to eat as much. I remember how of a bad mom I felt when I stopped pumping when my boy was about to be discharged because I needed to get my apartment ready and buy everything he needed since I didn’t have a chance to have a baby shower or buy anything at all (I gave birth to my miracle baby at 26 weeks of gestation). I also regret not speaking up and asked whether I could breastfeed my baby. Once I started to try, he only latched 2 times and never again. He preferred his bottle better as he was already so used to it and also being fed through a tube since he was born. But like you stated, I’m extremely happy that he is still a happy and healthy baby which is all that really matter and the unique Love between us.

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  2. Wow what an experience you’ve had! I think you shouldn’t feel any guilt for any decisions made or what happened. At the end of the day as you mentioned Nico loves you and he’s happy and healthy! I was not able to breastfeed either I breastfed or at least tried for 3 days and then they told me my daughter was dehydrated and we couldn’t get discharged till she was hydrated so in cane the formula. But I kept trying to do both and it just wasn’t working. Her latch was fine but she was impatient and i wasn’t producing enough. So when we got home I decided to continue formula and today at 7 months she’s average weight and our connection is amazing! So don’t beat yourself up you’re doing great!

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  3. I haven't had a baby yet but this is some really great stuff to hear!

    Briana
    https://beyoutifulbrunette.com/

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  4. Hola Nany! Te sigo desde hace poco, más o menos desde que tuviste a Nico porque yo tuve una bebé un par de semanas después. Entiendo perfectamente tu frustración y el sentimiento de culpabilidad! Yo también estoy aprendiendo que la maternidad es así. Me parece increíble todo lo que aguantaste y persististe para tratar de establecer la lactancia y ya eso habla mucho de lo excelente mamá que eres!!! Independientemente del modo de alimentar a tu bebé, lo más importante es que estás ahí para él siempre que te necesita ❤️ Por todo lo que compartes en IG Nico se ve un bebé muy feliz y amado! Gracias por compartir tu experiencia!

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  5. Dani!!!!! Completamente identificada con tu historia... mi beba nació en Agosto y aunque ella si se pegaba y quería estar TODO el día pegada en la teta sin yo poder levantarme tan siquiera al baño, revisada por consejera de lactancia y despues de 3 mastitis, comenzó a bajarme MUCHÍSIMO de peso hasta que tuve que complementar con fórmula... mi producción por supuesto después de ahí se fue por el suelo.... usaba el estractor para aumetar mi producción, usaba relactador para que comiera , o dedo jeringa para que no se acostumbrara al tete... en fin... tenía una madre que AMABA ese contacto cuando tomaba su tetica pero una mamá estresada luego para poder sacarse más y aumentar su producción y encerrada por todo lo demás que implicaba... en fin... decidí completamentar con tete a los 3 meses y Sabri al fin tuvo una Mamà que pudiese comer y salir con ella... no es fácil y más cuando estás sola... ya a sus 5 meses ella misma decidió dejar su teta que se la daba al dormir y al despertarse... me dolió? Si, pero su amor no es sólo por la teta es ver a su mamá feliz que la atienda, que juegue con ella, que esté plena y relajada de cualquier manera! Muchas comparten su historia feliz pero nadie las oscuras! Y somos mamás igual a las que pudieron amamantar más tiempo o tuvieron otras historias porque hicimos y hacemos de todo porque nuestros bebés estén bien! Saludos desde Caracas!

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  6. This is such an amazing post for you to have written as I can imagine how difficult it is to share something so personal. It will be so helpful to other mums to be or mums who are experiencing a similar situation.
    I am so happy you reached the point of clarity when you did as I know first hand how difficult the whole breastfeeding experience is. It is not easy when you run into issues like you did and the fact that you kept trying for 5 months is Amazing!! It's so so true what you say, your baby loves you for you not for your milk. Your love for him is the best thing you can offer him. I had such a hard time with breastfeeding on my first, for different reasons than yours. I also persevered for longer than I should have. Because my issue was different to a supply issue it eventually worked after 4 months - but that was 4 months of pain, anxiety, low confidence, feeling like a failure, etc etc! Still to this day I don't know how I stuck through it, most people were shocked that I did. Like you I just wanted to give it my all. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. You only realise after having your first child how difficult it all is and that more people than not have problems breastfeeding for various reasons. The fact that Nico got your milk in the first few months, or even the first few weeks, is already more than enough for him. I also learned that the time spent with my baby was way more precious than pumping and worrying about what milk he drank. I also lost so much time with Dário in the first few months after he was born. It was a good lesson to learn though and I made a conscious decision not to do the same with my second if I ran into similar issues. Although it's not nice all the time it is true when they say that experience is the best teacher!
    Nico is such a happy, gorgeous boy who is very lucky to have you as his Mama.

    XO Ellie

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  7. You are a warrior!!! Im very happy to know that baby has YOU as a mom. Hats off!

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